if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
