We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
