I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
