I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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