Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Randomize
