i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
