where am i from again
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
