Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
