I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
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