Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize