I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
