let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Randomize
