I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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