Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
