I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
