My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I think people are normalizing furries
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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