4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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