That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize
