God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
