Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Life is so much better after having sex.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize