I am puke
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
