He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
