The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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