As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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