i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Randomize
