we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
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