New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Randomize
