it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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