he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
