Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
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