When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
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