At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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