I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
