I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
