I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
