He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
