dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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