how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Randomize
