You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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