just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Randomize
