wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
