Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
