I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
My liver just had a heart attack.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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