Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
