hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I need to align my fucking chakras
My life is pants optional.
Randomize