Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
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