is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
