That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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