Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
