i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
there is glitter all over my balls
Randomize
