You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize