dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize