I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize