I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Randomize
