3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
