Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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