I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize