when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
