I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
So many bounce houses so little time
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
