God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
