Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
