There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
