I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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