oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
