We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Randomize