my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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