I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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