i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Screwed.edu
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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