Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Randomize
