Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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