i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
