Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
