So gin and wine won't be happening again
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
i need some magic done to my vagina
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Couch. On fire.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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