just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
You were trust falling into bushes
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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